but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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