so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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