I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
