great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
