By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
