I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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