It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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