I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
