So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
