i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
