Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
