Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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