I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
