Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
