I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
