don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
