1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Define "chronic" masturbator.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
