Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
