The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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