It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I party with great urgency now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
