The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
