we have officially lost it.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
