Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
