her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
