i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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