A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize