We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
