Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
