I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
