I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
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