today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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