She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize