just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize