I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I will pee on everything he values.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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