I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
