ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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