Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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