Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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