I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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