I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
