Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
