He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
