Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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