Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
