my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
