another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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