Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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