ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize