Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
