Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
