They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's rum buckets o'clock
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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