I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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