i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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