So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
