What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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