i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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