Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
