You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
