Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
