Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
