Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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