He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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