Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It all started with a game of naked twister.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
