be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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