All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
