He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
