in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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