Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize