You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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