Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
